Me and my hens (I never thought I would be saying that)

There once was a time when I didn't know what a guinea hen was, other than a derogatory term for an Italian girl. Those were the good old days. Last summer, in his copious amounts of free time, my dad decided that we needed to do something drastic about our tick and bug problem. The only possible solution: guinea hens. Insecticides, Skin So Soft, Off Bug Spray... None of these options would suffice. We had to have live animals to eat the critters that have been plaguing us for so long. Even Christie Brinkley has guinea hens, and if my Dad is anything, he is certainly a slave to the latest trends. Granted,she has over 40 acres of property and we have only one acre, but that is neither here nor there.

So one day my dad and my brother took at trip to New Jersey to pick up twenty-two baby guinea hens (guinea chicks?? I'm not sure). The hens were put in a big cardboard box in our newly re-done kitchen. My mom was thrilled! Our first night with the hens my college roommate came to Dix Hills to hang out and sleep over. We went out that evening and returned "intoxicated." My cousin's dog was living with us while my cousin was recovering from brain surgery. Sadie (the dog) did not like the guinea hens and proceeded to shit all over my room in protest (mind you, I have a rug). Lauren and I walked in my room to find Sadie's surprises. I didn't know WHAT was going on and/or what to do, so I woke up my mom and she cleaned up the doody.
The hens spent several weeks in a box in our kitchen. They smelled. They were loud and annoying, especially in the morning! We couldn't have the air-conditioner on because g-d forbid the guinea hens got too cold, we sat around sweating our balls off all for the hens. Finally my dad decided to put them outside in a make-shift coop. They lasted less than a day before they all ran away.
My dad had to go to CT to buy new hens. The woman who originally sold them to him in NJ declared him an "unfit father" (how appropriate) and refused to sell him any more. So Frank came back with a batch of brand new hens. Determined to prevent further escapes my dad and brother set out to build a serious coop, more than 10 feet long and 6 feet high. An architect he is not, a few hens still managed to escape, outsmarting my father each and every time. As this was quite the ordeal for my family, I put "Gowrie's vs. Guinea Hens: Round Two" in my AIM profile. My first friend in kindergarten, Allegra Lee, who I hadn't seen since possibly high school graduation left me a message one day, "You have guinea hens too?" She couldn't believe I had guinea hens, her parents knew what they were because they used to live on a farm (where the birds actually belong!). Then I explained to her that my dad bought about 18. Then she asked me if I was missing any. The pieces of the puzzle started to fit. My birds had wandered over a mile, through my woods and other people's backyards to arrive at their destination. They couldn't go to just anyone's house, they had to go to the most embarrassing destination. The Lee family thought, "Who the hell has guinea hens in Dix Hills?!?!" The answer was almost too good to be true.
When my father returned home from a busy day of shopping at Costco, I informed him of the new found whereabouts of our missing hens. His response: "Did she apprehend them?" Yes dad, but first she put out an APB and made sure she had her best men on the job, 10-4. He's ridiculous. So he made me and my brother (mind you I had been painting our patio furniture all day) go to Allegra's house armed with a dog cage and a net to catch our wayward fowl. I wanted to kill myself. Oh and we had to go back to her house later that day because a hen we thought drowned in the pool turned out to actually be alive. G-d smiled down on us that day.
That night my best friend Erica had a bar-b-que. Erica's family is very good friends with Allegra's family- so guess what the topic of conversation was ALL NIGHT!?! And to make it worse, they were making fun of me in Chinese!! Guinea Hen doesn't translate so well.
Let's see.. My dad also incubated eggs and reared them in our basement. My dad bought two peacocks who have subsequently ran away. Now the remaining hens are territorial and free to roam all over our backyard. One morning they blocked my car as I was trying to leave for work. I also love it when they wake me up at six in the morning. So in conclusion, guinea hens make the perfect pets.